


never catch up with you

by doubtthestars



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Footy Ficathon, Gen, im playing fast and loose with the timeline, national team feels, not really shippy so much as um weird in betweeness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 11:38:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3118742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubtthestars/pseuds/doubtthestars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(History is written by blood and sweat and Philipp hears war drums in his sleep.)</p><p>This is how Philipp walks away, winning the World Cup.</p>
            </blockquote>





	never catch up with you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> title comes from No One's Here to Sleep by Naughty Boy ft Bastille.
> 
> but also kind of inspired by Centuries by Fall Out Boy

Philipp didn't want the armband and yet it is so much easier to lie for the sake of others.

(There are ghosts that linger in the locker rooms, ghosts that want from every man who steps a foot inside. It is something that sounds like the hymn that falls from their lips at the start of every game. They cannot close their eyes and they cannot hide.)

He wonders about the weight on his arm (is it too tight, is it too loose, it will break with the slightest touch of millions) and his shoulders shudder against the history. 

"I don't know what to say." He stares at Jogi, carefully avoiding the crippled shadow of the number 13. The brightest star will fall in a blaze of glory and Micha is burning, his anger is searing onto Philipp's eyes.

_You are not Beckenbauer, you are not Matthaeus, you are Philipp Lahm, the youngest captain that ever attained victory but not yet, you haven't gotten there yet._

When Thomas gets booked against Argentina, Philipp searches for Micha's eyes. He feels like he is failing but he will not give up.

_Do you see what happens with the number 13? It brings nothing but bad luck._

It is third place again and Philipp tastes bile, but at least they had a longer trip back home this time. (It doesn't make a difference. Time is heavy on his shoulders and he doesn't know how Miro can bear it, falling from grace when he had never reached the sun.)

The squad changes more and more, soon enough he will be one of the oldest members of the team. He remembers being twenty and winning Man of the Match. He remembers Michael Ballack, a national hero. (Isn't it funny what stays after the years, he barely knew him in Bayern and he barely knew him now, maybe he never knew him at all.)

He writes a book and sends Micha a copy.

Per writes to him about the Premier League and Philipp laughs desperately. There is nothing but Bayern in his veins but he wonders what it would be like to learn another league, to see anything but a sea of red and white. It feels like a dusty dream. He loses the Champions League again, this time as Captain. 

(The blue reminds him of Micha and he feels the burn of tears. It was always a missed opportunity with them.)

Italy is triumphant in 2012 and Philipp wants to call his captain but remembers it is his responsibility to bear now. He wants to say, "we are equal now, we both lost." but Micha wasn't there and Philipp has lost twice.

(What no one sees is Philipp's bitterness but Basti jokes he hasn't seen him smile in an age. Jogi was too proud, Michael Ballack wasn't a name to leave in the dustbin, but he couldn't put that in words that made sense, that didn't make him feel like a farce.)

He plays one last game with Micha, a farewell that feels too public, as if it were to prove something. 

_I am still here. You will remember me._

Per is there, Miro too, and if afterwards they go drink to ghosts, well no one catches them in the act. Age is haunting them all, yet they were the lucky ones.

(History is written by blood and sweat and Philipp hears war drums in his sleep.)

He wins everything in the span of months at the club level. It is his 100th cap against Austria and some part of him is wondering if Micha is watching him get where he never did.

Ten years earlier, Michael Ballack was a captain and Philipp Lahm started his international career.

He lifts up the trophy with a victorious roar. (He knows he is watching their dreams come true.)

_This is for you. This is for all of us._

**Author's Note:**

> ngl, I'm not completely happy with it but FUCK that went to places I did not expect. There was a lot of ideas floating in my head that did not make the cut because I couldn't find the words.


End file.
